humor - FidoNet

walk into a bar

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 28 Mar 2005 01:18:20 GMT

A baby harp seal walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What will you have, baby harp seal?"
and the baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."


A ham sandwich walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender
says, "No, we don't serve food here."


A termite walks into a bar and says to the manager
"Is the bar tender here ?"


Two guys walk into a bar.  You would have thought the second guy would
have seen it.


A giraffe walks into a bar.  The bartender says, go outside, the
drinks are on the house.


Two giraffes walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
and they reply, "Give us two tall ones."


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, why the long
face?


  Two gay guys get in a fight in a bar.  They go outside to exchange
blows.


A giraffe walks into a bar, and says, "The high balls are on me."


  Rene Descartes walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, would
you like a drink?"
  Descartes replies "I think not.", and promptly vanishes.


  Two Hundred Oklahoma federal workers walk into a bar, and the
bartender asks:
  "Hey, what can I get you?"
  ...and the federal workers shout, "run a tab, we're here to get
blasted!"


  Geraldo Riviera walks into a [Canadian] bar and asks the bartender:
"Could I have two loonies for a $2 bill?"


  Vincent Van Gogh walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "It's happy
hour...
what can I get you?"
And Vincent says "Give me a rye and lend me your ear."


   J.F.K and Bobby walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll
it be?"
...and J.F.K says, "Give us a couple of shooters."
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Wedding Telegram

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 28 Mar 2005 01:16:38 GMT

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express
an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the
inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the
population.
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Two nuns

JIM WELLER — Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:23:00 GMT

 Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helena, are travelling through Europe
 in their car.

 They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,
 a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through
 the windshield. "Quick, quick," shouts Sister Mary,
"what shall I do?"


 Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,"
 says Sister Helena.

 Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire around, but he
 clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

 "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

 "Switch on the windshield washer. It's filled it with holy water from
 the Vatican," says Sister Helena. The vampire screams as the water
 burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

 "Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

 "Show him your cross!" shouts Sister Helena.

 Sister Mary opens the window and screams angrily:

 "Get off my fucking car!!"
 


Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife




... If everyone lived forever, where would we all park?
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]
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This is a chain letter

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:05:12 GMT

            From"  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Qwackers/

                            THE RULES OF GOLF

        These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would
reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in
awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf
Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the
rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction
between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player
should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting
from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if
it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from
atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball.  The missing ball is on
or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed
by someone else.  It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should
not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the
player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or
strokes.  In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in
playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the
player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as
not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop.  The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.  (Same thing
goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there,
defying gravity. You cannot defy the law).
(Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup.  A ball should not go
sideways.  This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments
as, "You could blow it in"...may be blown in.  This rule does not apply
if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one
wants to make a travesty of the game.
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This is a chain letter

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:03:20 GMT

            From"  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Qwackers/

     This is a chain letter.  Let there be no mistake about that.

A faded copy dated 6 March 1834 was found stuck inside an old
family Bible in a Boston sea chest, so you know it's been around
for awhile.

     It is now your task to mail copies of this letter to 33
people to keep the chain intact.  Send no money, no prayers, no
discount coupons.  Ben Franklin originated the chain letter
concept in order to finance a fledgling postal service; now this
letter is responsible for a good 36% of the Postal Service's
volume.  Your efforts will help to employ thousands of grateful
Civil Service workers.

     How will you benefit?  In 1987 Wilma Ditty of Detroit
received a tax refund of $125.  Only two years previously she had
continued the chain  by sending out 33 copies.  During that two-
year period, Wilma also gave birth to two children, became
engaged and moved from a  two-room apartment into a more spacious
five-room flat.

     Another success story?  John H. of London, England mailed
off his 33 copies on October 17, 1965.  On his way home from the
post drop, he was almost hit by a bicycling teenager!  It was not
luck which saved him from injury, but the power of the letter!

     Yes, bad things can happen to you if you do not continue the
chain.  EVERYONE BORN IN 1887 WHO DID NOT CONTINUE THE CHAIN IS
NOW DEAD.

 In 1952, Deandra Simms did not continue the chain.  Sure enough, a
week later, she developed a headache which lasted five hours.  And nine
years later her son broke his leg while skiing!

     So mail 33 copies of this letter to friends, relatives and
especially to politicians.  And mail them within two weeks of the
day you receive this copy or else!
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Tastes like chocolate

JIM WELLER — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 00:56:00 GMT

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank.  The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see how his investment is doing.  The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and wont even look at the cows.  The banker suggests
that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.  The farmer
looks very pleased:  "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through
the fence, and has serviced all my neighbour's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?"  asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like
chocolate."




Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife




... If I didn't drink this beer, brewer's kids might go hungry.
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]
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An Instructor's guide to Murphy's Law.

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:58:00 GMT

 1. Good students move away.
 2. New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
 3. The teachers' lounge will be in the worst room of the school. It
    will contain dusty furniture and one noisy mimeograph machine.
 4. The shorter the working time, the more the  mimeograph will
    malfunction.
 5. The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
 6. The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's
    union negotiates.
 7. When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
    If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the
    instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
 8. Children who touch the instructor will have scabies or bubonic
    plague.
 9. When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say :
    weirdo" rather than " emotionally disturbed."
10. Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
11. The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to
    the information retained by students.
12. Students who are blind, deaf and/or behavioral problems will sit in
    the back of the room.
13. Extra-duty nights will occur when the best shows are on  TV.
14. The problem child will be a school board member's son.
15. The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
16. The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's
    preparation time.
17. Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If
    children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
18. extracurricular duties will take more preparation the than classes.
19. A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the
    speaker produces
20. Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
21. On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
22. If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and
    will dislike art.  If the instructor is a coach, the principal will
    be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
23. A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
24. Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
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What most men expect:

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:56:10 GMT

She will always be beautiful and cheerful.  She could marry a
    movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick...just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for
    her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car
    or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling
    snow (when necessary).
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr.
    America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so she could get
    some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.

What he gets:

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
She is a light eater...as soon as it gets light, she starts
    eating.
Where there's smoke, there she is...cooking.
She lets you know you only have two faults...everything you say
    and everything you do.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an
    explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet...she'll find you.
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What most women expect:

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:54:54 GMT

He will be a brilliant conversationalist.
He will be very sensitive, kind, understanding, truly loving.
He will be a very hard working man.
He will help around the house by washing dishes, vacuuming
    floors, and taking care of the yard.
He will help his wife raise the children.
He will be a man of emotional and physical strength.
He will be as smart as Einstein, but will look like Robert
    Redford.

What she gets:

He always takes her to the best restaurants. (Some day he may
    even take her inside.)
He doesn't have any ulcers...he gives them.
Anytime he gets an idea in his head, he has the whole thing in a
    nutshell.
He's well-known as a miracle worker...it's a miracle when he
    works.
He supports his wife in the manner to which she was
    accustomed...he's letting her keep her job.
He's such a bore that he even bores you to death when he gives
    you a compliment.
He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation
    brilliant.
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MAN SHOOTS COMPUTER

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:53:04 GMT

(IGC) A New Jersey man was arrested at his home last Thursday night
after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.

The man, Michael A. Case, 35, was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his
house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired.
They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a
shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.

The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings
were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said after the event.  The computer,
which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four
more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van
Tassel said.

"The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer, so
he shot it," Van Tassel said.  Case had apparently been trying to
operate a new software package and had encountered problem after
problem.

The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert
Eagle .44, has "a lot of firepower," he said.  "It's a big gun."

To make sure the job was "done right," Case also used hollow-point, or
dum-dum, bullets, the police added.  (I think "dum-dum" is appropriate
here. Hollowpoints are designed to expand in tissue. They don't have any
advantage over a solid bullet in any other use.  -jj) Case was surprised
when police arrested him because he didn't think he was breaking the
law, Van Tassel said.

"He couldn't understand why he couldn't shoot his own computer in his
own home," Van Tassel said.  (I don't understand it, either. -jj) Case
was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against
the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a
relative.

The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police.  He was
also charged with unlawful possession of a firearm without a permit, and
with possession of illegal bullets, police said.

In addition, Case was issued two summonses, for discharging a weapon in
a restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police
said.  Case was released later on $2,500 bail, according to police.
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Generic Joke

JIM WELLER — Mon, 07 Mar 2005 23:20:00 GMT

(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person
belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed
stereotypical mannerisms.  The first person acted in a manner consistent
with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to
make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his
membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a
remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be
interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other
meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular
ethnic group.  The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted
in a stereotypical way!

(2) Q:  How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?

A:  A finite positive integer.  One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!




Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife




... I'm a 20th century kind of guy.
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]
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04: Christina Aguilera nude

patty — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 15:03:22 GMT

From: "patty" 
Reply-To: patty234@rr.com

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--- FIDOGATE 4.4.9
 * Origin: Road Runner - NC (2:301/812.1)
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@PATH: 301/812 808 2432/200 774/605 123/500 106/2000 633/267

03: Christina Aguilera nude

patty — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 15:03:22 GMT

From: "patty" 
Reply-To: patty234@rr.com

@SPLIT: 24 Feb 05 14:05:24 @301/812     2254  03/04 +++++++++++
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@PATH: 301/812 808 2432/200 774/605 123/500 106/2000 633/267

02: Christina Aguilera nude

patty — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 15:03:22 GMT

From: "patty" 
Reply-To: patty234@rr.com

@SPLIT: 24 Feb 05 14:05:24 @301/812     2254  02/04 +++++++++++
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--- FIDOGATE 4.4.9
 * Origin: Road Runner - NC (2:301/812.1)
SEEN-BY: 633/267 270 5030/786
@PATH: 301/812 808 2432/200 774/605 123/500 106/2000 633/267

Christina Aguilera nude

patty — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 15:03:22 GMT

From: "patty" 
Reply-To: patty234@rr.com

@SPLIT: 24 Feb 05 14:05:24 @301/812     2254  01/04 +++++++++++
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            Christina Aguilera nude





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--- FIDOGATE 4.4.9
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Canada

JIM WELLER — Sun, 13 Feb 2005 15:51:00 GMT

Subject: One American's opinion of Canada
                                         
"It's not just the weather that's cooler in Canada"
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Pittsburgh, PA Post-Gazette

You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music
or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence, just smiles
politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house
is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his
front door. He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one
day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at
peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse.

Allow me to introduce Canada.

The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there,
but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like
discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been
building an espresso machine. Did you realize, for example, that our
reliable little tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the
Willing? Canada wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in
Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to
include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway.

And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are
authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering
legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you
may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15
grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This is to allow law
enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden is
full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to
swat every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong.

Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These
poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug
problem: Marijuana offences have doubled since 1991. And Canada has
strict gun control laws, which means that the criminals must all be
heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on
the verge of a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in
place since the '70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the
confiscation eventually.) They don't even have a death penalty! And yet
.... nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991.
Violent crimes fell 13% in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes
committed with guns -- brought in from the United States, which has
become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America ? but
my theory is that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most criminals
too relaxed to commit violent crimes. They're probably more focused on
shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.

And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just last month, Canada
decided to allow and recognize same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what
can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always get
their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the
only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they
all have health insurance, of course, but more than those libertines up
north.

This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our
stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country
of polite, beer-drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters
in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists
more interested in order and good government than liberty and
independence. But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we spend
so much of our time trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if
Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive
about letting people do what they want to?

Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we are, according to
polls. As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large,
well-organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those
of Scandinavia than those of the United States, or, say, Iran.

Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink,
has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more
immigrants per capita than the United States.

These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess
Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound. Like
teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that
everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult -- more secure.

They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality.
Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.

I wonder if America will ever be that cool.


Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife, the winter wonderland




... I listen to my body.  It says, "Cookies and chocolate milk, please".
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]
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Answers to Women's Most s

DAVE COBLE — Mon, 31 Jan 2005 01:15:02 GMT

If you can get Funny, at least there are other people posting.

-> 
-> Answers to Women's Most Important Questions:
->

        ATTENTION : All citizens of Texas planning a trip to
                  Washington, D.C. to visit George W.

 1.  Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields
     and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.

 2.  Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown
     shoe polish is smoothly applied.  Boxes must have tops, but no
     ropes.  When a few miles out of Texas, remove overalls and
     brogans and putt them into your box.  Change to Sunday suit,
     clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).

 3.  Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of
     riders.  It looks country to overload a vehicle.

 4.  Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early.
     Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times,
     except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.

 5.  En route always buy a full tank of gas.  A dollar's worth at a
     time requires too many gas stops.

6.   On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or
     boarding house.  If they don't feed, try to locate near an
     all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon
     Pies in car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take
     kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.

7.   Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in
     Virginia think that they have good hams.  For the sake of
     national unity, we don't want to show them up.  Besides, their
     dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their
     dogs... just making a hell of a mess.

8.   Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you.  Up there the
     out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper
     substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as
     this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems.
     Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't
     want to set him off.

9.   If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's
     representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a
     drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the
     carpeted floor.  When asked what you drink, don't say "stump
     juice".  Tell them all classy people from Texas drink B&B
     (Bourbon and Branch water).

10.  And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up.  Constant
     screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for
     them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level.
     You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin George, "It's
     time for change!"  As you know, we plan a change of underwear on
     the first of every month.  First cousins change with second
     cousins, but always keep it in the family.  George has passed a
     decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Texas.
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A Righteous Rant

JIM WELLER — Sun, 30 Jan 2005 16:54:00 GMT

Dear Florist Rat Bastards.

I would like to extend my most sincere gratitude for your kind and
timely e-mail, dated May 11 (Mother's Day) in regards to your complete
inability to send flowers to my mother.  Indeed, I thank you for
bringing to my attention that had I simply planned ahead, and ordered
said flowers on time, then my mother would not have to spend the
remainder of this, her only true day of joy, alone and with the feeling
that her children have abandoned her.  It is with true humility that I
realize the enormity of my mistake, and will endeavor in the future
(should my mother in fact live out the following 364 days of misery and
loneliness) to order with at least a weeks notice, placing said order
with a Wonderful Company such as yourselves, so that my mother will not
feel the pangs of abandonment that she will now be subjected to on this
holiday, which was simply not created by cynical, power hungry,
marketing-driven companies.

Wait a minute:  I DID place the order with one week's notice.

Oh, well then, I still thank you for giving me ample time to respond to
the fact that you have no ability to deliver to her address, since your
online ordering system so carefully perused my order to ensure
deliverability, and responded to me immediately.

Wait a minute:  You did take the order, but waited until the actual day
of delivery to inform me that I would now have to make last minute
emergency arrangements.

You suck.  Indeed, the sheer force and magnitude of how much you suck
surpasses even that of the entire planetary workforce of the superfamily
Apoidea's ability to suck nector from flowers the world over.  Now,
given the fact that mother believed in breast feeding, she has been
exposed to the concept of 'suck' before...but she has yet to run into
the likes of a company such as yours, which Merriam Webster has thought
fit to include in the definition of the word 'suck', as an exemplary
icon of pure vacuum and it's ability to suck the lifeforce out of any
living being.

Let me make it plain, in case the dripping sarcasm of the first four
paragraphs failed to fall on your tiny, pointed heads.  You
suck....hard.  You suck like the air intakes of an F-15 Eagle.  You suck
worse than a three-toothed whore on 'dollar-special' night after she's
eaten a bottle of Alum.  You suck like a collapsed star, eating all
valid matter and energy from anything resembling astronomically close
space.  You suck like a Shop-Vac in a warehouse full of styrofoam
pellets, or, indeed, a Shop-Vac inside your own slope-browed skulls
(same thing, in my humble opinion).

The magnitude and expanse of how much you suck may truly only be
surpassed by your gross incompetence, uncaring nature, near-felonius
greed, and overall lack of any value at all.  At first, I could not
believe that you would perpetrate such a heinous deceit, thinking that
any decent human being would never intentionally hurt someone's mother,
especially on Mother's Day.  Then, I came to realize that none of you
probably even *have* mothers, as you are all most likely the improbable
result of some bizarre chemical reaction that took place in the fetid
armpit of some dead or dying carrion-eater...spawned in the depths of a
festering garbage dump from which you managed to crawl out and begin to
inflict yourselves on humanity.

Again...just to be clear...you suck.



Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife, the winter wonderland




... I had him shot, to improve the gene pool.
___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]
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SCRABBLE, anyone?

mark lewis — Wed, 26 Jan 2005 20:47:20 GMT

 * Crossposted to FUNNY


Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.  Wait till you see the last one!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

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Gov't jargon explained

JIM WELLER — Sat, 22 Jan 2005 01:08:00 GMT

* A PROGRAM: Any assignment that can't be completed by one phone call.

* EXPEDITE: To compound confusion with commotion.

* CHANNELS: The trails left by inter-office memos.

* COORDINATORS: The guy who has a desk between two expeditors.

* TO ACTIVATE: To make more carbons and add more names  to the mailing
list.

* TO IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM: Hire more people and expand the office

* UNDER CONSIDERATION: We're trying to find it in the files.

* RE-ORIENTATION: Getting used to work again.

* RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy you just met.

* INFORMED SOURCE: The guy who told the guy you just met.

* UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE: The guy that started the rumor in the first
place.

* WE ARE MAKING A SURVEY: We need more time to think up an answer.

* TO NOTE AND INITIAL: To spread the responsibility for this.

* LET'S DISCUSS THE MATTER: Come to my office, I'm lonely.

* LET'S GET TOGETHER ON THE MATTER: I'm assuming you're as confused as I
am.

* WE WILL ADVISE YOU IN DUE COURSE: If we figure it out, we'll let you
know.

* IT IS IN PROGRESS: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
almost hopeless.

* GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING: We'll listen to what you have to
say as long as it doesn't conflict with what we have decided to do.

* A CONFERENCE: A place where conversation is substituted for the

dreariness of labor and loneliest of thought so the members can get more
per-meeting pay.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: By the time the wheel makes a full turn, We will
assume you will forget about it also.

A CLARIFICATION: To fill in the background with so many details that the
foreground goes underground.

A MEETING: A mass mulling by master-minds where minutes are kept and
hours are lost.

TO NEGOTIATE: To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking
together of heads.

CONSULTANT (or expert): Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or
office


Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife, getting lighter, still cold



... I hate laundry month.
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