* Crossposted from: FIDO ::Funny Jokes and Stories

From: retcop1035{at}aol.comxxx (RetCop1035)

   -- Idiots guide to Holiday Parking --

   (long but oh so true!)

   Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the
road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from
passing.

   Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as
possible.  Diagonal parking is preferred.

   Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and
stop on the line, taking both.

   Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of
you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though
and take it from him.

   Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the
other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

   Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with
your door really hard.

   Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted
lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of
speed.

   Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a
friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the
middle of the road.  The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging
passengers.

   Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way
and let the car behind you take it.

   Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular
parking spot.

   Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a
dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive
down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere elsewhere.

   Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian
cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and
attempt to pass him.

   Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!

   Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into
traffic, and wait.

   Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way
aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a
parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

   Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between
parked vehicles.

   Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center
parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including
that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

   Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking
lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

   Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a
spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your
seat, and he radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat
your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what
you just bought.

   Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping
cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into
an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close,
push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is
flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

   Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center,
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you
are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the
next aisle and do it again.

   Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to
load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT
tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and
signaling for your spot.

   Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers
walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key
chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud  "BLOOP BLEEP"
that scares the crap out of them.

   Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls
parking lot, there isn't any!

   Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with
it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially
effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write,
"There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my
name, address, and phone number! HA HA!

Salutations from --Christchurch-+
  ICE-man         /\            |          \ | /   Mountains, Sunshine
New Zealand      /  \/\         |  /\      - O -   Forestry, Farming
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^/      \!!ii,,..{at}-/==\---^-^-^-^-^ Beaches and Surfing


... I C E-man ... does the work of 3 Men...  Moe, Larry & Curly  ,-0
~~~ ReneWave v2.00+

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