Dear Florist Rat Bastards.

I would like to extend my most sincere gratitude for your kind and
timely e-mail, dated May 11 (Mother's Day) in regards to your complete
inability to send flowers to my mother.  Indeed, I thank you for
bringing to my attention that had I simply planned ahead, and ordered
said flowers on time, then my mother would not have to spend the
remainder of this, her only true day of joy, alone and with the feeling
that her children have abandoned her.  It is with true humility that I
realize the enormity of my mistake, and will endeavor in the future
(should my mother in fact live out the following 364 days of misery and
loneliness) to order with at least a weeks notice, placing said order
with a Wonderful Company such as yourselves, so that my mother will not
feel the pangs of abandonment that she will now be subjected to on this
holiday, which was simply not created by cynical, power hungry,
marketing-driven companies.

Wait a minute:  I DID place the order with one week's notice.

Oh, well then, I still thank you for giving me ample time to respond to
the fact that you have no ability to deliver to her address, since your
online ordering system so carefully perused my order to ensure
deliverability, and responded to me immediately.

Wait a minute:  You did take the order, but waited until the actual day
of delivery to inform me that I would now have to make last minute
emergency arrangements.

You suck.  Indeed, the sheer force and magnitude of how much you suck
surpasses even that of the entire planetary workforce of the superfamily
Apoidea's ability to suck nector from flowers the world over.  Now,
given the fact that mother believed in breast feeding, she has been
exposed to the concept of 'suck' before...but she has yet to run into
the likes of a company such as yours, which Merriam Webster has thought
fit to include in the definition of the word 'suck', as an exemplary
icon of pure vacuum and it's ability to suck the lifeforce out of any
living being.

Let me make it plain, in case the dripping sarcasm of the first four
paragraphs failed to fall on your tiny, pointed heads.  You
suck....hard.  You suck like the air intakes of an F-15 Eagle.  You suck
worse than a three-toothed whore on 'dollar-special' night after she's
eaten a bottle of Alum.  You suck like a collapsed star, eating all
valid matter and energy from anything resembling astronomically close
space.  You suck like a Shop-Vac in a warehouse full of styrofoam
pellets, or, indeed, a Shop-Vac inside your own slope-browed skulls
(same thing, in my humble opinion).

The magnitude and expanse of how much you suck may truly only be
surpassed by your gross incompetence, uncaring nature, near-felonius
greed, and overall lack of any value at all.  At first, I could not
believe that you would perpetrate such a heinous deceit, thinking that
any decent human being would never intentionally hurt someone's mother,
especially on Mother's Day.  Then, I came to realize that none of you
probably even *have* mothers, as you are all most likely the improbable
result of some bizarre chemical reaction that took place in the fetid
armpit of some dead or dying carrion-eater...spawned in the depths of a
festering garbage dump from which you managed to crawl out and begin to
inflict yourselves on humanity.

Again...just to be clear...you suck.



Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife, the winter wonderland




... I had him shot, to improve the gene pool.
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